I am tired.
I am busy.
What's for dinner?
Oh, we are invited to a party this weekend? Completely forgot.
My to-do list keeps getting longer and longer. From paying bills to cooking, organizing our home to going on a date, catching up with friends to maintaining church life. Don't get me wrong. These things are all great things and they remind me I am an adult. (sort of) But, sometimes, it just too much to handle.
Thankfully my husband is super sweet and helpful. He always offers to help but it's me who tries to manage everything by myself. One day, I was telling him about all the things I needed to do. I noticed my voice was shaking a little almost like running out of breath. Still, I didn't stop. I kept going, racing, and being in a hurry. I kept reading him my list and I got extremely frustrated when my laptop was 2 seconds slower than I anticipated. Something inside me urged me to JUST GET IT DONE NOW!
Mitch said: “I want you to do nothing right now..”
I looked at him as if he just made a ridiculous comment.
" Relaxxxx! Wanna watch a movie?" he asked.
And I sat down and my anxiety slowing went down. I was able to catch my breath again. I stayed engaged with my husband because I was actually present. I was a better person because I listened.
I am not telling you this to showcase my messiness (well... maybe a little). My point is I don't think we realize how we let being in a hurry to be one of the things that steals our joy in a daily basis.
Breathe my friend. Just breathe.
It's okay to do absolutely nothing.
It's okay to binge watch Netflix.
It's okay to sleep in a bit on a Saturday.
I used to think that in order to live my life to the fullest, I have to max out my schedule and to-dos. Or I should be learning 100 different things to be a "good" wife. My striving to be a "good" wife had left me feeling lonely, selfish and empty. Unrealistic expectations are dangerous and deceiving! So I began to ask myself would I expect Mitch to make sure the house is spotless before we go to bed every night? No! Would I expect Mitch to remember to pack me a lunch box every day? No! Because these things are not what matters the most. I am not saying just slack off, learn nothing and do nothing. But be gracious to yourself as you do it. Marriage is not based on performance and our ability/knowledge doesn't define who we are and what we can do.
These days, I have learned to let go and trust God to do the rest. I feel way more empowered and peaceful when I trust. When my head is pounding and my heart is racing again, I force myself to chill. The Bible says: "Be still, and know that I am God". God is faithful and I can find rest in Him. That's the hope and promise I am holding onto.